


Written on Velum

by obi_ki



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Prequel Trilogy
Genre: Alternate Reality, Angst, M/M, POV First Person
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-15
Updated: 2021-01-15
Packaged: 2021-03-12 14:54:55
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,736
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28762143
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/obi_ki/pseuds/obi_ki
Summary: An injury sends Qui-Gon on a trip down memory lane
Relationships: Qui-Gon Jinn & Obi-Wan Kenobi, Qui-Gon Jinn/Obi-Wan Kenobi
Comments: 8
Kudos: 20
Collections: Master Apprentice Archive





	Written on Velum

**Author's Note:**

> Everything Star Wars belongs to George and the House of Mouse. I am just borrowing for a bit.

From my chair on the balcony, I looked up from the book in my hands to the outline of the buildings rising up around me and sighed. It’s been a ten since my awkward fall in the salles, the multidirectional movement preventing my attempt at adequately cushioning the impact with the force. I’ve suffered many injuries both in training and on missions over the years but this was unlike the majority of those. I was not in mortal danger as I had been on Naboo and a number of other times, but that offered very little comfort. Bacta was not an option to treat the two tendons that had torn away from my hip, only physical therapy and time would help me regain the mobility and strength I lost. 

At sixty-eight, it would take many tens to heal without the assistance of the force and this period of isolation is weighing heavily on me. Obi-Wan is undertaking a complicated treaty negotiation on Daalang and Anakin is with him. I’ve never been a good patient, but serious injuries has normally made the isolation of recovery much less chafing than this freak injury. With no need for heavy medication, my mind is working nonstop, and without anything concrete to focus on, it’s difficult to keep from turning my thoughts over and over in my head. 

It’s been years since I’ve been truly alone for any length of time and it’s disheartening to find how quickly I slipped back into old habits of insecurity and isolation. I thwarted any attempts at socialization, my healer and therapy appointments the only time I even left my quarters. My age is weighing heavily on me, making me feel as out of step as I had in my initiate days. I dampened my bond with Obi-Wan, not wanting my careening emotions to distract him from his mission.

Opening the leather cover of the new notebook, the crisp, clean page of velum staring up at me brought back a plethora of memories. I had taken to keeping written journals while I was still an initiate and somewhere in the back of my closet was a crate containing as unknown number of filled notebooks. Hoping it would help me regain some sense of the person I had become today, I picked up the stylus and began transferring those memories to the velum.

I remember very little of my days in the creche but my time in the initiate dorms was more tangible. Not quite fitting in with the rest of the initiates in my clan, I struggled with dealing with my emotions and fears. Too tall, too clumsy, too attuned to the hurts and anxiety of those around me, my peers never truly accepted me as one of them. My strength in the Living Force was foreign to them and my need to rescue and aid any number of pathetic life forms, as Obi-Wan liked to call them, made me the object of ridicule. I always felt like I was on the outside looking in and seldom felt like I really belonged in the Order that had adopted me.

Unable to share my true self with any of my clan, writing down my feelings had been cathartic for me. Placing lead to velum and inscribing the words in the notebook, helped me to acknowledge my feelings and set them aside. It wasn’t the same as having a confidant, someone who would listen and understand even if they didn’t agree, but it was something.

When Master Dooku chose me as his padawan, the need for my journal entries grew. My feelings of being outside of things increased as I began to study under my master. A stern man, as different from me as night was from day, I could never speak of my feelings or question any of his decisions. In reality, I was expected not to even have feelings or opinions, let alone share my inner thoughts with another being. Duty was the only thing that Dooku cared about, and any upsets or fears that rose during the completion of that duty, were inconsequential. I learned quickly that feelings and opinions were not meant to be discussed, just buried and/or released into the force. Writing down my thoughts helped me to cope and keep up the emotionless persona that Dooku was drilling into me. 

During that time, I met the two people who would be my closest friends until the day the each joined the Force. Micah, Tahl and I were so different yet so similar. Micah was boisterous and joyful, always finding the silver lining inside the thunderheads. Tahl was studious and tranquil, easy to talk to and never judgmental. I took strength from their support and would discuss with them any issues that clung after being relegated to the velum. As we got older and we were sent on more frequent missions, our time together lessened but our friendships never waived. 

The journal entries took on new meanings in the early days of my knighthood. A new knight’s life is hectic, shuffling from one mission to another with rarely any time back home. As each mission ended, adding my thoughts and feelings to my journal became a habit, a way to bring closure to any events that may have left me shaken or questioning. I had been knighted almost sixteen cycles before returning to Temple the first time and I returned with two notebooks filled with thoughts. 

The habit continued but lessened a bit during the short time I spent completing Feemor’s training. He was so close to knighthood, that I now had another adult to share a few thoughts and decisions with as we completed missions. It wasn’t the same as being with Micah or Tahl and some things still had to be kept to myself. 

During my years with Xanatos, my journals took on new meaning. I logged his progress as I wrote down my thoughts and concerns, hoping to get a better insight into this bright and charming child. He was intelligent and resourceful and in those early years very eager to please. I was proud of his accomplishments and gave little thought to the methods he used to achieve them. Looking back on it now, I downplayed his arrogance and missed many of the signs that others saw. His turning broke me and I slipped back into the patterns of my initiate and padawan days. I isolated myself within the Temple, speaking to no one of my pain and took to only revealing my inner most thoughts to the velum. Even Micah and Tahl couldn’t reach me, as I grew in the belief that I needed to atone for my failure. 

Years went by with duty being my only concern. Xanatos had managed something that even Master Dooku with his overbearing manner hadn’t managed, making me give up trying. I once again felt like I was truly on the outside looking in, believing in my heart of hearts that no one cared about what I thought or who I was inside. Any personal needs I had were inconsequential, I was an instrument of the Order, an automaton trained to see to duty and nothing more. I convinced myself that no one cared, especially the Council and became more insular even as I became more outspoken. 

I fought the Council in fits and starts, especially when it came to the pressure to take on another padawan. I may have successfully completed Feemor’s training, but my results with Xanatos were enough to keep me from even considering it. I argued often with Master Yoda, his position as my grandmaster making him ruthless in his pressure. The combination of Xanatos’ hatred and Obi-Wan’s selflessness combined to do what Yoda had not been able to, open my eyes to the Will of the Force.

Looking back on this now, the knowledge that Yoda’s machinations to push us together, may have prevent Obi-Wan from ever becoming a Jedi knight infuriates and distresses me. The loss of his strength and dedication would have been catastrophic, as the unrest in the galaxy continues to grow.

Our path was not without pain and heartache, much of it a result of how broken I still was. I do not say that as an excuse, but hindsight does wonders to clarify an individual’s thoughts. I still lived in my own head during the early years of Obi-Wan’s apprenticeship, unwilling not only to share my own thoughts but also unwilling to even give Obi-Wan the benefit of the doubt. The openness I had discovered in the company of Micah and Tahl disappeared and even they could not coax it back to the surface. That’s not to say they didn’t try but even when I spent time with them, I held my thoughts and feelings within. Fully back in my pattern of isolationism, I kept to myself as much as I could, my interaction with fellow jedi kept to sheer necessity. Only in the presence of the Council, did any of my true opinions emerge and I cannot say that was for the best. 

As a result, Obi-Wan suffered, my distance reinforcing his belief that he was somehow deficient when I was the one who was. My fear grew, the belief that any indulgence on my part could send him down the same path as Xanatos. Leaving him on Melida/Daan and abandoning his training in the cycles after Tahl’s death created a rift between us that only started to heal after our mission to Frego. Obi-Wan’s support helped me come to terms with Tahl’s death and his dedication made me realize how much he had matured. 

Although we still disagreed on many occasions, I was open to his opinion and he became more comfortable sharing it. It still kept mostly to myself, socializing only when necessary except for Obi-Wan. Training and missions took up most of our time, but as my fear dwindled and his comfort grew, we would spend rare evenings discussing mission details, politics, as well as playing sabaac and dejarik. I began to open up to him little by little and he began to share more with me. It was a slow process but as Obi-Wan grew into maturity, his company became more and more welcome. 

The hole in my heart began to fill, and though there were still many times I felt out of sync with the Order, having Obi-Wan in my life was more than enough to offset that. As he grew closer to knighthood, I realized that my feelings for him were changing. The fear that he had so slowly dispelled came back to the fore and I reverted to form. I closed myself off from him, stepping back into isolation and again hiding my true feelings. Although I could easily sense his hurt and confusion, through it all, he remained calm and resolute. It was a rough year, with me thwarting any attempts on Obi-Wan’s part to breach this new wall. 

Then Naboo happened and all my efforts were for naught. In spite of my treatment of him during all aspects of that mission, he still risked his life to save mine and uncovered all the secrets I’d been struggling to hide. The sight of his face beside Vokara Che’s as I regained consciousness was force-blessed. The lecture he subjected me to later that day was not so pleasant but was fully deserved. I tried to protect him, fear erasing all good sense as I engaged the Sith. My comment in the Naboo swamps came back to haunt me. He was a much wiser man than I. 

It took us almost two years to fully repair the damage I had done to our relationship, with Obi-Wan being sent on a plethora of solo knight missions and me struggling to recover from my injuries. My sense of belonging plummeted again during that time and only Anakin’s presence was tolerated while Obi-Wan was away. His visits from the initiate dorms would soothe my spirit and I would fight to hide my growing depression from his senses. 

My mandatory sessions with the soul healer were useless, my unwillingness to share my fears blocking their assistance. I feared becoming an albatross to the man I loved, unable to become a contributing member of the Order again. Yoda lectured me frequently, his position allowing him to override the locking code on the door to my quarters. I’m certain he reported the content of those conversations to Obi-Wan but as I said before, he is a much wiser man than I, and he let me stew in the pot of my own making. 

I finally shared my fears with Obi-Wan and he helped me come to terms with reality and worked with me to overcome the last of my physical limitations. During that time, we became a bonded couple and jointly took Anakin as our padawan. It took way more time than I was comfortable with, but I finally regained my mobility, be that it was the mobility of a man in his sixties. I supervised Anakin’s coursework and was assigned simple missions with him, while Obi-Wan continued with missions more in line with those of the end of his apprenticeship.

Now five years later, I’m back on the disabled list and fighting the same demons that have plagued me during a number of points in my life. I again feel like I’m on the outside looking in, like the calm and serenity I am famous for is nothing more than a sham. My body is failing me, years of hard life and physical trauma obstructing my attempt at recovery. The fear that I will become a burden to the few that care for me is overwhelming me and all I want to do is retreat into myself. 

As I sit here staring at the words I’ve scrawled on the velum, my datapad beeps with a message. Obi-Wan and Anakin have completed the negotiations and will be leaving Daalang late this evening and be back on Coruscant by mid day tomorrow. The news is both very welcome and rather unsettling. Obi-Wan is unaware of my injury and will not be too pleased with my decision to keep that information from him. We promised years ago to be forthright with one another and again I am the one who has disregarded that arrangement. 

Steeling my resolve, I scan the pages I have just finished writing into the datapad and create a file to attach to my reply.

_Obi-Wan,_

_I just received your message. Congratulations to you and Anakin on the successful completion of your negotiations. I look forward to your return with enthusiasm. Things here have taken an odd turn while you’ve been away and I ask your forgiveness for my omission in sharing the information immediately. I took a fall in the training salles a ten ago and tore two tendons where they attach to my right hip. The injury is more debilitating than dangerous but cannot be treated with bacta or the force and will required six to eight tens of patience and physical therapy._

_Since you know that I’m an abject failure at both of those things, you can imagine that the last ten has served as quite a challenge for me. I have been struggling with a number of things since the fall, many of which you’ve grown very familiar with over the years. In an effort to be fully transparent, I am attaching the pages of a journal entry I spent most of the day writing to this message._

_I hope that it will help both to reassure and enlighten you to my current state of mind. I love you with all that I am and I can only hope that you can forgive me another transgression._

_Until tomorrow, beloved._

_QJG_

I hit the send button before I could change my mind, closed the journal and set the datapad aside. It was time to deal with the torture the healers disguised as physical therapy. As much as I hated the process, I had to tolerate it, if not for myself, then for Obi-Wan and Anakin. Although I fear my feeling of being on the outside of the Order may never fade completely, there were two people in my life that I would always keep me on the inside. And for them, I would endure. 


End file.
